Thursday, March 29, 2007

The candy man can


To whom it may concern:

I never thought I'd write two consecutive Jesus-themed letters, but here we are. Today at work I read a fax whose subject was "Naked Jesus - genitals exposed - crucified." My first thought was that this was 2,000-year-old news, but it was better than I thought: they had omitted the word "
chocolate," which made all the difference.

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From April 1 to April 7, the Roger Smith Lab Gallery at the Roger Smith Hotel in New York City will display a 6-foot-tall anatomically correct sculpture of Jesus in milk chocolate; the figure is depicted as crucified. Artist Cosimo Cavallaro titles his work "My Sweet Lord."

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Now, I enjoy a pun. Where I encounter puns, I appreciate them. I make my own; some people praise me for them, others wince. Such is the life of a punslinger.

One thing that cannot be said is that I have made a six-foot chocolate sculpture to back up one of my puns - and that is why Cosimo Cavallaro is a better man than I.

Yours truly,
Christopher

ps. Catholic League president Bill Donohue is said "All those involved are lucky that angry Christians don't react the way extremist Muslims do when they're offended - otherwise they may have more than their heads cut off."
He doesn't say what "more than their heads cut off" means. Funding, perhaps?

pps. UPDATE! - A later fax said that Cavallaro is inviting the public to eat the statue. It does not mention if they will serve it with hot cross buns.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

HisSpace

To whom it may concern:

Today I got a MySpace friend request. I hadn't paid attention to the wording before, but now it occurs to me that it would be really fun to get a request from Jesus. For your consideration, here's what such an e-mail would look like:

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Hi Christopher,

Jesus would like to be added to your MySpace friends list.

By accepting Jesus as your friend, you will be able to send Jesus personal messages, view Jesus's photos and blog, and interact with each other's friends and network!
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Of course, you would have to really mean it when you clicked on "Accept."

Yours truly,
Christopher

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Local man loses weight

To whom it may concern:

It's time for a new belt hole. When I started my weight loss efforts in December, I was on the second hole of my belt. Since then, the entire concept of belt holes, insofar as they concern my current belt, has obsolesced. I've cut a couple of new holes, and it's time for a third. That's, like, six inches I've eliminated from my equator. Cool.

When I started, my body mass index was 45.5. Now, it's 40.7. I have almost 90 pounds to go before I earn "overweight" status (29.9), which is pretty difficult to get worked up about. In any case, my real goal is to go up the Barr Trail to the top of Pikes Peak this summer. It seems hard to do, but last year a 76-year-old went to the top and back in under 10 hours, so at least there's that.

Last weekend, I was comparing weight loss results with some new acquaintances. One said he was on the Richard Jeni diet which, he reminded me, consists of "stop eating, you fat bastard." That's been my basic strategy too. For a couple of weeks I counted my calories, which averaged a paltry 1,600, and that seems to have been sufficient to lower my stomach's expectations. I spent a month on a strict vegan diet for reasons I'll likely detail in a later dispatch, and now some fish has crept back in, with help from National Geographic, which had 67 pages this month about overfishing, and listed sustainable seafood that's OK to eat when you're trying to save the world with your fork.

Anyway, all of it has helped - saturated fats just aren't on my radar anymore, and few would say that's a bad thing (cattle ranchers come to mind).

Yours truly,
Christopher

ps. A note on Richard Jeni: he was a funny, oft-overlooked comedian, and I've just learned he killed himself earlier this month, just shy of his 50th birthday. Alas, poor Yorick, and all that.

pps. In the "small world" category: I just saw a coworker's car, here in Colorado, with a Southern Illinois University license plate holder. I was born there.

ppps. No, you may not have my mother's maiden name.